Of Todd and Tiger

Everything I ever needed to know about privacy, I learned from Todd Jennings.

I've never actually met Mr. Jennings, but I have seen a photograph of him naked, handcuffed, and extremely excited. I suppose that with this much intimate information, I can call him Todd...

I saw this picture in 1988 thanks to his teenage babysitter, Melissa Bilson, who found this photograph while snooping in a drawer at his house. She subsequently decided take it and to share it with the student body of Middleton High School. I can still remember her holding court with the photo next to her locker; that girl knew how to draw a crowd.

These were the days before Photoshop, so I'm sure it was, in fact, Todd and his body. And his handcuffs. These were also the days before digital cameras, so unless he had a darkroom in his house, you'll have to count a photo lab attendant (mail-order, I'm guessing) in the total of people who have seen Todd Jennings in the buff.

I don't know if Todd ever knew that nine hundred (and one) people saw him tied up and naked. I'm not even sure whether he noticed that the picture had gone missing. It probably depends on how many similar photos he took -- if he was a serious porn/bondage hobbyist, one missing photo may have gone unnoticed. If the photo was one of a kind, or of just a few, then I imagine that Todd -- and possibly Mrs. Jennings -- went through an agonizing process of searching their home, casually questioning their children ("anything interesting happen last night, kids?"), and ultimately identifying a small, mortifying list of possible culprits.

I learned several things from what may have been the worst week of Todd Jennings' life:

1. Wow; I guess people really do do that!
2. Assume that what you do in private may become public
3. Assume that people -- especially babysitters -- will go through your things
4. Do not f*&% with Melissa Bilson, and do not EVER leave her unattended in your home.

If Tiger Woods had been a student at Middleton High in 1988, tales of his remarkable adultery might not be splattered all over the tabloids.

Todd would have taught Tiger that if more than two people know something, it won't be a secret for long. We humans have an insatiable desire to know and share dirty laundry. Melissa Bilson did it for free; imagine what she would have done for Tiger-sized money.

Unlike Tiger, Todd Wilson committed no "transgressions and personal sins." Presumably he was merely trying to spice things up with the missus. His only mistake was in not properly guarding his personal effects. Tiger made the same mistake (and more), but on a spectacular scale. Todd assumed that his babysitter would respect his privacy; Tiger left breadcrumbs of texts, receipts, and voice mails with half the "hostesses" in Las Vegas. (Side note: cue the sex addiction/rehab PR story.)

On the bright side for Todd, perhaps Melissa did him a favor - better that she and the entire population of fifteen to eighteen-year-olds of our small town should know than his own children. Certainly, that's a sight of dear old dad that NO ONE should see. Hopefully Todd learned his lesson, albeit the hard way.

As for me, as I reflect back on the image of that pasty, fleshy, grainy photograph, I am struck by conflicting emotions. The nausea is still there, but it's the gratitude that lingers; thanks to Todd, the students of Middleton High will never see a naked picture of me.

Hats off to you, Todd Wilson - bondage aficionado, amateur photographer, and spiritual guide.