It's Hard When It Doesn't Come Easy

I recently learned that someone we know miscarried her first child.

I don't know her that well, so I'll just send a card with a caring sentence or two. If I knew her better, I would say more.

Dealing with miscarriage is very personal; it's something most people go through but not many people talk about. Nevertheless, I'll share my unwritten letter here, in case someone might find it helpful.
________________________________________

Dear ____,

I was very sorry to learn that you lost your baby. I know how much this hurts, since we also lost our first child. Even now, years later and with three wonderfully healthy children, the memory of that time brings back a poignant sadness.

Losing any pregnancy is terrible, but miscarriage before you have other children seems particularly cruel and difficult. In an instant you plummet from the incredible hopefulness of new parenthood to grief and anxiety - you mourn for the real child you lost and the imagined future you had planned, and you worry about what this may mean for other pregnancies.

The bad news is that you've lost some of your innocence. The nursery rhyme progression -- love, then marriage, then baby -- doesn't happen automatically for some people. Like many of us, you're going to have to work a little harder to get there. Now you know what can happen, and you'll always have an extra layer of worry on top of what's expected when you're expecting.

Parenthood isn't for sissies. You probably knew that in your head before, but now you've felt it with your body...and your heart. Parents need to be strong to get through the bumps and bruises, joys and pains of raising a child. Unfortunately you've had to build up some of your Mommy calluses earlier than expected.

The good news is that if and when you become pregnant again (and the odds are very, VERY good that this will happen) you will never take your kids for granted. My miscarriage made me more patient and more grateful when my infants arrived. Colic, sleepless nights, and dirty diapers seem like nothing when you put it in the greater context that you now understand. "Bring it on, Baldy! This is nothing!"

I received a card after my miscarriage from an older woman who had lost two pregnancies and raised five children. "God has something wonderful in store for you," she wrote. I was surprised and skeptical that she wrote that at such a painful time, but now, looking back, I can understand her thinking.

Miscarriage sucks and you'll need time to heal, but you're going to have a wonderful family. You'll never understand why this happened, and you'll never compeletely get over it, but you will get through it. It'll be part of what will make you a great mom.


I guarantee it.