The Hacka

At least once a year, our front bushes need pruning. Naturally, this is best done by my superhero alter ego, The Hacka.

The Hacka was born ten years ago in McLean, when we bought our first house. The bushes in our front yard were excessively overgrown due to years of neglect. I donned gloves, a sweatsuit, and electric hedge clippers, and I felt the change come over me. I was no longer the good girl in a mock turtleneck and mini skirt; I was a kick butt, saw-wielding force of nature.

I was The Hacka.

Bushes quiver in the Hacka's presence. Weeds shrink back. Flowers swoon. The Hacka never hesitates; she just keeps on cutting.

The Hacka is super strong, super effective, and has one major super power: not getting electricuted. This is obvious since she has now cut through at least five extension cords. Although this is quite dangerous for an average person, the Hacka has never suffered more than a tripped breaker and few disconcerting jolts of electricity.

No one is sure how this happens, since the Hacka is in most ways a paragon of intelligence and caution. I blame the surge of adrenalin. The Hacka doesn't obey your mundane social conventions. She slices through overgrown branches, leaving (ha!) an exilarating mix of devastation and beauty in her wake. It's not surprising that this passion leads to slight miscalculations from time to time. You don't blame the Hulk for ripping his shirt, do you?

The Hacka will not be stopped, though she did pause momentarily after cutting through another cord earlier today. She briefly mulled whether it was a bad idea to prune while no one was home to call 911; undeterred, she resolved to be slightly more careful and went on with her mission.

The Hacka has her haters. Her husband chastises her for dangerously cutting through the cords, and points out that it would be cheaper to pay a landscaping service than to keep buying more extension cords.

But then, he never prunes the bushes himself, so methinks somebody likes being married to a superhero.

And perhaps that somebody should invest in some gas-powered clippers.