A Hooha By Any Other Name...

Some years ago, my two sisters and I formed a singing group. It was nothing fancy, and we never practiced or performed in public. In fact, it was mostly just a name we called ourselves when making fun of singers on the radio.

Our singing group started with the most important element: picking our name. We decided to call ourselves the Heimeldinger Sisters With Good Voices (HSWGV). This was partially inspired by our last name, which wasn't actually Heimeldinger, but something unique and German-sounding enough that SJ's uncle once asked me to "say hi to the Heimeldingers for us!" so we'll work with that.

We were also inspired by the nineties singing group, SWV (Sisters With Voices.) We added the "Good" since we wanted to distinguish ourselves from them, brand ourselves as superior (if they were good, they would have said so), and avoid any legal entanglements.

Time went on, and Melissa moved to Los Angeles, so HSWGV evolved; we went from mostly to entirely non-existant. Kaye and I started an offshoot group in Northern Virginia - the Angry Hoohas. I won't get into the precise etymology of that name; suffice it to say that it had something to do with a urinary tract infection. Get the full story on our forthcoming VH1 Behind the Music special.

The Hoohas haven't really taken off either. It's hard to make traction when you only play together once a year or so, but the potential is there.

Meanwhile I'm focusing on my solo career. My guitar skills have improved, so I've taken my show on the road. So far my gigs have consisted of my kids' preschool and Sunday School classes, plus one ill-advised open mike night where I sang a Sinead O'Connor cover to four unimpressed barflies.

Still, I persist with my craft -- one of the thousands of project managers who pursue their tepid dreams of a singing career once in a while.

This week I put my finger on a serious flaw in my dream of stardom: I had gotten ahead of myself by practicing and performing before picking my stage name.

It's a daunting decision. Should I go authentic? What about just using my first name, like Cher or Beyonce? Should I go for something mainstream and Anglo, like when Chaim Witz became Gene Simmons, or should I pick a more exotic name, like when Arnold Dorsey became Engelbert Humperdinck?

I got my answer when I heard a DJ announce a song by Lady Gaga. As I pondered this name, which is entirely ridiculous, I began to appreciate its beauty.

Stefani Germanotta took the stage name of Lady Gaga when she was a teenager. This chutzpa this reveals is stunning - she demands to be called by a fake name that connotes nobility, street cred, confidence, and makes whoever says her name sound like a total idiot. That takes stones. It's also a critical ingredient in transforming a homely girl into a campy pop star. I love it.

The universe had spoken, and I knew what I had to do. Professionally, I will henceforth be known as Lady Hooha.

If this solo thing blows up (like, if I ever make the elementary school class circuit, which is way more competitive than preschool!), the Angry Hoohas might be billed as "The Angry Hoohas, Featuring Lady Hooha," or "Lady Hoohas and the Other Hooha," or something even more self-promotional; I'll have to Wiki search Diana Ross and see how she did it.

Then again, maybe I should dial it back, I don't want this to have a Dreamgirls kind of ending, though I would love to see SJ sing a power ballad in front of a room-sized, seventies-style picture of me, and see me sister sing a plus-sized, spunky, acoustic version of "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," but I digress.

I've picked my name. I'll let fate take it from here.