The Emperor's New Products

As an admitted project-flitter, it's always interesting to look back on my past mania. As with most exes, I recall these fleeting love affairs with a combination of fondness and disappointment.

From the vantage point of my obsession du jour, saving money, my autumn obsession of organic living seems particularly incongruous.

For one thing, organic living is expensive. Back in my carefree days of September 2008, I scarcely noticed what I paid for healthy, eco-friendly products. Yes, green cleaners and organic food cost more, but how can you put a price tag on healthy, earth-conscious living?

Well, here's a price tag for you: $8.17. For one small box of dryer sheets. For approximately the same price at Costco you can get three industrial-sized boxes of Bounce. I'm no math whiz, but that's about a three million percent markup for organicity.

I know, I know. Organic materials can cost more, and dryer sheets are pretty bad for the environment (they cover your clothes with waxy gunk and blow the same gunk into the world via your dryer vents.) Still, that's a significant price difference, particularly when adding baking soda to your washer is generally just as effective.

The most striking part of this story is that I didn't even look at the price when I bought the organic dryer sheets in September. My organic fervor knocked my common sense right out of my head.

What's worse is when expensive organic products simply don't work. I tried natural drain cleaner, baby shampoo, and chapstick that failed to pass muster. Other products were fabulous, but unnecessary. When my husband called me from Harris Teeter to balk at buying my beloved but pricey Burts Bees baby wash, I literally made him read me the ingredients from the Suave baby wash to ensure that it was, indeed, paraben-free.

My deodorant quest was equally unfulfilling. Following the suggestion of Sophie Uliano, author of Gorgeously Green, I went in search of aluminum-free antiperspirant. I stumbled upon one brand, Spring Fresh, that works ok for an average, non-strenuous day, but still had nothing on my Lady Mitchum clear.

Sophie's favorite is Dr. Hauschka's brand deodorant, for it's great floral scent. After paying approximately $20 (!) for this deodorant, I was tremendously disappointed. Unless they're talking about the rare and seldom sought ass flower (alstromeria rectalis), I don't get the floral connotation at all. This stuff stinks going on, and does absolutely nothing to prevent funk. By day's end, the heady combination of Dr. Hauschka and me may have been green, but it certainly wasn't gorgeous.

Ditto Sophie's choice (hmm...) of mascara. Again, I paid around $20 for Dr. Hauschka's paraben-free mascara. Unfortunately it only temporarily stained my eyelashes black before migrated south to my lower eyelids and cheeks. Only later (thanks to a coupon -- Mama loves you, baby!) did I find L'Oreal Bare Naturals mascara, which at under $10 is also paraben-free.

I'm not saying that organic living isn't important. We all need to work on conservation, reducing waste, and being informed about the products we use and food we eat. We just shouldn't do it blindly, like I did. Infatuation is a powerful thing...

Like with any love affair, I've learned some valuable lessons that I'll take with me. Certain products, like DHP and parabens, should be avoided. Organic food, especially on milk and thin-skinned fruits and vegetables, is better for you. Ditto anything absorbed into the skin, like lotions and cosmetics (although good luck finding good anti-age cream without paraben.) Baking soda and vinegar are healthy, effective, low cost alternatives to most cleaning products. Use rags instead of paper towels. But my days of $20 ineffective deodorant are over.

Ah well. Better to have loved and lost than to never have smelled ass flowers at all.