A Bridesmaid's Job

Love is in the air in our family. Both of my sisters, Melissa and Kaye, are getting married. Both of them found great guys who will make great husbands and, more importantly, great brothers-in-law.

Preparations have begun. Dates have been chosen, venues selected,dresses ordered, and attendants invited. I'm honored to be a bridesmaid in both weddings, Melissa's in October in Los Angeles and Kaye's next May in Northern Virginia.

Weddings always make a woman think of her own wedding, whether she's a girl dreaming of the future or a matron thinking back to her own big day. My sisters' preparations bring up all kinds of wedding-related memories for me: the flowers, the guests, the dress, the ceremony, the handsome husband.

I've been reflecting on what succeeded brilliantly (walking down the aisle behind a bagpiper was pretty sweet) and what failed miserably (here's some advice: don't let your stupid drunk-ass friends slosh red wine near your ivory silk-satin dress).

I've discovered with surprise that some of the opinions that I held strongly as a bride have now completely changed. Some of this change comes from experience. I didn't realize at the time what would work and what wouldn't; it's amazing how much is riding on one day that you (hopefully) get one shot at.

Some of my changed opinions are due to my different life situation. As a mom, for example, I've been touched that people have invited my kids to be part of their weddings, so I would have done the same.

Some of this evolution I'll optimistically chalk up to maturity. My different perspective would have led me to emphasize slightly different things.

On the whole, though, I think that I became more reasonable after my wedding, as I turned back from my crazed green hulk bride to my normal, saner self. It's a common, well-documented phenomenon, and it definitely happened to me.

This brings me to a realization: the best thing that we can do for a bride is to simply get out of the way. It might not be all about her, but it sure as hell isn't about us. If she makes a mistake or two, we need to stay steadfast in our support. In cases of real bridezilla emergencies we may need to give her a firm shake or a hard slap, but in general we simply smile and nod.

Here's a mantra that might help. Silently (never, ever speak this aloud) repeat after me: [Insert Bride's name here], I love you enough to let you temporarily act like a total whack-job bitch and not hold it against you for years to come.

Weddings are our number one cultural flashpoint*, bar none. A girl's wedding day is built up to be the most important day of her life (which it isn't) and the most public (which it is). Add to this everyone else's dearly-held opinions about everything wedding-related and you've thrown figurative gasoline and a lighted blow torch on the nuptial powder keg.

To be fair, a bride can't help but to piss some people off. It simply can't be avoided. Someone won't get invited, or chosen as a bridesmaid. The bride may accidentally swipe someone's favorite song for her first dance, or demand that her attendants wear dyed-to-match turquoise shoes.

When this happens, you just need to let it go. Repeat the mantra above thirty or forty times and you'll feel better about it.

My point is, she was your friend or sister before her wedding, and she's probably going to live another eighty or so years after her wedding, so keep the big picture in mind.

As you'll probably hear during the ceremony, "love is patient, love is kind...love bears no record of wrongs..." St. Paul was talking to you, Missy, even if the bride did make you wear green taffeta and not let you bring a date even though you schlepped your sorry butt all the way from Michigan to get here (ahem, sorry about that).

My sisters, by the way, have been models of bridal graciousness. Perhaps they'll continue this perfect behavior all the way to the chapel, but I doubt it, and I'm ready. Bring it on, ladies; I can take it!

Thank God my own bridesmaids must have followed this advice. Eight years later they are all still speaking to me, and they're still my beloved friends. Either I've redeemed myself or the open bar really paid off.

*Definition: A critical situation or area having the potential of erupting in sudden violence. Equally applicable to the Middle East and your average wedding.